no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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