the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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