She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Green mimosas i think yes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
