: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
