Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
