I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
how drunk are you?
Several
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
