I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
