I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
