this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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