Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
