My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
