Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think your dad took our porno
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
