I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
