my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
