i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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