Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
then he tried to convert me to islam
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
