Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
