there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
