My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
