MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
