Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
