he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
