I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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