It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize