apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
