My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
