I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize