what day is it and did you see me today?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize