I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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