She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
