M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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