No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
