Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize