I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
