Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
