Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
