I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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