I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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