I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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