I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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