I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
