The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
