I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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