I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
