i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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