Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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