trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize