I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
