Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
