I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize