shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
