I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want to fling myself into the sun
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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