I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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