Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
