I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
