I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
