She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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