my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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