i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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