U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize