How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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