9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
