I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
