This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
