Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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