I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my being single is dangerous.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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