I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
