My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
