Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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