You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
