I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize